


toilet paper and christmas miracles

by orphan_account



Category: The Beatles (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Crack, Gen, Humor, Swearing, Texting, its just the beatles being dumb and tryint to get toilet paper, just four lads unable to find toilet paper, oh my god they were roomates, sort of??, this is the most ridiculous thing, this is... chaotic, tw: coronavirus (but no talk of people being sick of anything)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:46:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23681833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “This is so goddamn weird. It’s like a nightmare. Or some fucked up LSD hallucination.”“Ringo, when have you ever tried LSD in your life. When.”***The Beatles run out of toilet paper during quarantine and have to go on the hunt to find some more.
Relationships: George Harrison & John Lennon & Paul McCartney & Ringo Starr
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18





	toilet paper and christmas miracles

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this is... I don't know what it is. I wanted to write some stuff while in quarantine, had no inspiration, went to the grocery store, and suddenly in the middle of the store had what may be my worst (or best) idea for a fic yet. I don't really write crackfics and stuff like this (if you read my other stuff it's pretty much all just angst) so this is pretty different. Hopefully in a good way. I mean who doesn't want to read about the Beatles being disasters while in quarantine?
> 
> Also, just a note that this isn't meant to make a joke out of coronavirus or quarantine - things are really difficult and pretty scary rn, and I'm just trying to have a bit of fun by making... this. If you're in a tough situation I wish you the best of luck :) Anyway, this summary is going on for way too long, so, uh, enjoy? And let me know if you'd like to see more stuff like this x

“What the fuck,” John stomped up and down the aisle, arms outstretched and jaw hanging wide open. “What the FUCK?”

It was somehow equally hilarious and sad, the other Beatles had mused, as they watched John gesture at the empty shelves in utter confusion. Paul had put on his most calming voice, the one he reserved specifically when John was angry.

He was usually pretty good at calming John down. Then again, John usually didn’t lose his mind in the middle of Tesco because somehow _every single roll_ of toilet paper had been snatched up seemingly overnight.

Perhaps John wasn’t overreacting that much at all.

“John, love, I don’t think there’s any left.”

George snorted. “Yeah, you’re not Aladdin. Can’t magic up some more toilet paper.”

“THAT WAS THE GENIE, YOU DICK!” John began yelling. He grabbed George by the shoulders and began shaking him furiously. “WHERE THE FUCK IS THE TOILET PAPER, GEORGE? HOW AM I GOING TO GO TO THE FUCKIN’ TOILET?”

“Use a newspaper.”

“ _FUCK!_ ” They watched as he stormed off, quite possibly to go steal the toilet paper from some innocent grandmother and then beat her over the head with it for good measure. Ringo sighed. “Can’t wait to be quarantined together for the next few weeks.”

George grabbed the shopping cart that had been left abandoned by John in his rage. “C’mon, let’s go see if they have any paper towels.”

***

They’d heard of the toilet paper hoarding a few days earlier. John being John, however, had decided that _“there’s no way every single roll of toilet paper can be bought out.”._

 _“There are a million grocery stores in the area, they can’t just run out.”_ He'd scoffed.

 _“Have you seen the news, John? People are buying ‘em like they’re made of solid gold or somethin’.”_ Paul had said. But John had just laughed, and nobody particularly wanted to go out and fight tooth and nail with crazed panic buyers anyway, so they had assumed if they waited a few days things would return to normal. No sweat.

They had assumed very, _very_ wrong.

By Saturday they only had one packet left between the four of them, so they decided to finally venture out from their apartment to buy some groceries and see if the hoarders had finally disappeared back down to their toilet paper filled doomsday bunkers. Which is how they ended up staring wide-eyed at the completely desolate aisle, realising that six rolls of toilet paper was certainly not going to last them, and that John may have already gone insane.

And quarantine hadn’t even started yet. Four weeks of being locked in a tiny flat with no toilet paper was beginning to look like torture.

They wandered back through the store, gazing in equal amounts of horror and amazement at the shelves which were still full and the shelves that had been destroyed by the nervous shoppers, silently wondering what confused priorities people had to be buying out toilet paper, of all things. They also didn’t know where the hell John was, so that was a bonus. They still hadn’t spotted him beating up any innocent grandmothers though, so they assumed he was probably just sulking outside the store.

They _hoped_ he was just sulking outside the store.

They pulled the cart up to the register, much more well-stocked then usual, as they had pretty quickly realised that one tin of baked beans was not going to be enough during quarantine. “Excuse me, do you know if there’ll be any toilet paper back in stock in the next few days?” Paul asked as their groceries were being scanned.

The cashier looked at Paul like he’d just asked her to perform some obscene act in the middle of the store. “No, I don’t. And before you ask, everything’s been bought. There isn’t any toilet paper left. It’s _gone_." She shoved the last item into their shopping bag. "Are you paying with cash or card.”

“Jesus, he was just askin’.” George muttered. She locked eyes with him. “What was that, son?”

“Uh… card, please.”

He fumbled with his debit card, finally pulling it out as the cashier watched on with a furious glare. She’d definitely had put up with enough crap for the past week, and it seemed that if they didn't want to be screamed at, they needed to get out of there, fast.

Then George’s card declined.

He looked up at the ceiling and Paul could've sworn he was either praying for lightning to strike him or cursing God out. 

The cashier growled. "Swipe again, please." And Paul decided maybe he wanted lightning to strike him too.

***

_**Paul Mccartney:** john_

_**Paul Mccartney:** john are you alive  
_

_**Paul Mccartney:** john i swear to gOD if you’ve been killed by a mob of angry shoppers i will murder you  
_

_**Paul Mccartney:** oh wait_

They’d barely made it out of the grocery store alive. Finally, someone had managed to pay (but not before George had been given many questionable angry looks by the cashier, who seemed to be constantly on the verge of punching George in the face) so they could escape the retail hell they had been in. They also still didn’t know where John was. So, things were going slightly better.

“Maybe he got kicked out.” Ringo said as they dragged their groceries out of the store. “Started a riot or something.”

It was hard _not_ to imagine an enraged John standing on a pile of toilet paper rolls, chanting to the angry shoppers with a face mask in one hand and a flaming torch in the other, all while the workers looked on in horror. They giggled quietly to themselves.

_**John Lennon:** uh if anything i would be leading the angry mob_

_**George Harrison:** ok but we were just saying that_

_**George Harrison:** also_

_**George Harrison:** where the fuck are you_

They spotted John leaned against the brick wall at the far end of the car park. “Oi, get over here and help us with the bags!”

Paul punched him lightly on the arm “Finally finished with your little meltdown, have we?”

John scowled. “This is bullshit! There’s probably a billion rolls of toilet paper in this neighbourhood _alone_ , and they’re just gone?”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Where were you?” George tossed (or more like somewhat carefully handed; there were eggs in there, after all) a shopping bag in his direction.

“I went to the corner store down the road. Also out. But, I have a plan: we’re going to visit every shopping centre in this goddamn suburb if we have to. I need toilet paper!”

“That’s a shit plan.” George replied.

“George. We have six rolls of toilet paper. Six. That’ll last us about a week, _at best_.”

“Think you’re overestimating how quickly toilet paper runs out, mate.”

But also, they only had six rolls of toilet paper.

George rolled his eyes. “Fine, let's go.”

***

They stared at yet another set of bare shelves.

“This is so goddamn weird. It’s like a nightmare. Or some fucked up LSD hallucination.”

“Ringo, when have you _ever_ tried LSD in your life. _When_.”

Tesco number two apparently had also been raided by bloodthirsty shoppers looking for precious toilet paper. It was completely empty - not a single square of toilet paper in sight. Not even a receipt.

“They don’t even have that shitty one-ply toilet paper they use at my work, and it’s pretty much sandpaper. Who the hell is even buying the shitty one-ply sandpaper toilet paper?” Ringo moaned.

“Not us, apparently.” Paul stared at the sign that lay sadly on the floor. _‘OUT OF STOCK’._ Out of stock, indeed.

“I just wanna know how having enough toilet paper to build a small mansion is going to protect people from getting corona. What do they think, that if they stay in their little toilet paper forts with their cans of soup and fifty bags of rice they’re suddenly immune?” John was waving his hands up in the air again, stomping around the empty shelves with a slightly insane look on his face.

“At least they can wipe their arses.” George muttered.

“Yeah,” John stopped, sighing a little too wistfully. “at least they can wipe their arses.”

He was like a poor bride wondering when her beloved husband would come home from war. Soon they were all pissing themselves laughing as a disgruntled John watched in silence.

“Fuck off.” He grumbled, eyes scouring the empty shelves one last time.

“Maybe we should split up, we can get to more stores that way.” Paul offered.

George rubbed his forehead in frustration. “Who would’ve thought that I would be spending an entire day looking for a roll of _toilet paper_.”

***

_**Ringo Starr:** if i have to sell my rings just so we can get a single roll of toilet paper i will crack it_

_**John Lennon:** why would you sell ur rings_

_**Ringo Starr:** some of them are worth a lot cause theyre made of gold and whatever_

_**Paul Mccartney:** ringo you’re a broke student why do you have gold rings_

_**Ringo Starr:** that’s why i would have to sell them we’re all broke students none of us have anything valuable_

_**Ringo Starr:** except me ;)_

_**John Lennon:** i know you’re saying that your rings are valuable but it sounds like youre saying that you are the valuable one_

**_Paul Mccartney:_ ** _that's cause he is_

_**Ringo Starr:** aw_

_**George Harrison:** you’ll know the apocalypse has come when ringo sells his rings_

_**John Lennon:** he’ll just be o then_

_**John Lennon:** o starr_

_**Paul Mccartney:** o starr_

_**George Harrison:** o starr_

_**Ringo Starr:** shut up thats not even funny_

_**John Lennon:** be quiet o starr_

Ringo stared down the aisle in a scene that was becoming much too familiar.

“George, I think this is it. This is the end. This is how we die.”

“From… not having toilet paper?”

“We won’t be able to go the toilet and then we’ll get constipated and die.” Ringo made a face. George smirked. “Or you’ll live and tell your grandchildren of the great toilet paper crisis of 2020 and how you were on a one-man- I mean, a _four-_ man mission to get us some toilet paper so we could take a shit.”

Ringo went silent for a moment. “I just realised we’re going to be quarantined together for a month… at least.”

“And?’

“John and Paul are going to kill each other, huh?”

George gave a small smile. “One hundred percent.”

***

_**Paul Mccartney:** guys this is serious_

_**Paul Mccartney:** there’s no toilet paper at this store either_

_**Paul Mccartney:** im seriously worried we’re gonna have to use johns secret porno magazine stash in substitute or something i can’t deal with that_

_**George Harrison:** SJDSK;JKJSJSD_

_**Ringo Starr:** his WHAT_

_**Paul Mccartney:** yeah and it’s probably some weird hentai porn or whatever GUYS did you find any toilet paper_

_**George Harrison:** we’re nearly there_

_**George Harrison:** i see john is refusing to deny these rumours… interesting_

_**Paul Mccartney:** no he's having a sulk again_

_**Paul Mccartney:** he’s just upset because there wasn’t any toilet paper_

_**Paul Mccartney:** oh and he tried to get this girls number she said no_

_**Ringo Starr:** f in the chat_

_**George Harrison:** f_

_**Paul Mccartney:** f_

_**Ringo Starr:** f_

***

John stared determinedly at the space where the packs of toilet paper should’ve been sitting in a vague attempt to get some to appear. “So help me god, if I don’t find a roll of toilet paper in the next hour I _will_ punch someone.”

“C’mon, don’t be so dramatic.” Paul said, although by the look of his grim face he seemed like he very much shared the sentiment. “This is ridiculous. We should just try and get some online.”

John pulled out his phone and began to furiously scroll. He stopped, his eyes going wide as he blinked a few times.

“What?”

“Look at this!” John shoved the phone in Paul’s face. It was an eBay listing for a pack of toilet paper, going for exactly $1000. And by the looks of it, the seller was entirely serious in their ridiculous pricings.

“ _$1000?_ For _toilet paper_?” John leaned his head against the empty shelf dejectedly.

Paul grabbed out his own phone and pulled up the group chat. “I swear, Geo and Ringo better have gotten some goddamn toilet paper.”

_**John Lennon:** some old lady is staring me down from across the store_

_**John Lennon:** listen ma’am i WILL cough on you_

_**John Lennon:** wait nvm i think she heard me ranting to paul about how theres no toilet paper and thought i was gonna steal hers_

_**Paul Mccartney:** john stop giving old ladies corona_

_**Paul Mccartney:** oh god he’s walking towards her_

_**Ringo Starr:** …paul you’re literally right there just go stop him_

_**Paul Mccartney:** no i don’t want to be associated with his crimes_

_**Paul Mccartney:** did you find any toilet paper_

_**Paul Mccartney:** because me and john are like one empty shelf away from losing it_

_**Paul Mccartney:** hello??_

_**Ringo Starr:** WE FOUND SOME WE FOUND SOME!!!!!!!_

_**Ringo Starr:** NO LONGER WILL WE HAVE TO USE JOHN’S PORNO MAGAZINES_

***

It was a Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Halloween, Valentine's day _miracle_.

John and Paul raced down the street to the parking lot of the tiny grocery store where Ringo and George had apparently located the much sought out toilet paper. They waited anxiously by the automatic sliding door, acting somehow both ridiculously and completely appropriately for the strange events that had transpired.

Like a knight in shining armour Ringo had emerged with George following close behind, holding a pack of toilet paper over his head like a trophy.

None of them had ever been so happy about having toilet paper in their lives.

John immediately began jumping up and down like Ringo had just won the lottery. “Yes! Fucking yes!” He seized the toilet paper, hugging it tightly to his chest. “Ringo, I swear, if it weren’t for coronavirus and the 6-feet-apart rule, I would kiss you right now. My god.” He held it out in front of his face as if he couldn’t quite believe it was real.

“Don’t have to wipe your arse with newspaper just yet.” George joked. “But you might want to hide that before some other toilet-paperless flatmates come ‘round looking for toilet paper.”

Even though George was joking John still stuffed the toilet paper into his bag, suspiciously eyeing the people across the street.

"Thank _god_." Paul grinned. "Who would've thought 2020 would be the year when we had to spend an entire day looking for one pack of toilet paper?"

***

_**Paul Mccartney:** who the hell used up all the toilet paper_

_**John Lennon:** i thought we still had enough????_

_**George Harrison:** check the cabinet under the sink_

_**Paul Mccartney:** I CHECKED IT ALREADY_

_**Ringo Starr:** check that box next to the dishwasher_

_**Paul Mccartney:** I CHECKED THAT ONE TOO_

_**John Lennon:** oh shit_


End file.
